I wrote this story about a 11yr girl who is mentally ill. Please tell me what you think. You will love it!!!!!

Everything went black for a moment until I found myself in a small empty room. Master stood beside me and there was a bearded old man sitting in a corner shivering. He wore torn up clothing and some of his yellow teeth were missing.





';What do you want from me?'; he said. ';I’ll give you anything you want! Just let me go!';





';You idiot,” said Master. “I do not want anything from you. Now, I need someone for Lily's lesson.”





';Lesson?'; said the old man. ';What is this ‘lesson’ are you teaching her?”





Master chuckled. ';Lily. Which is the most vulnerable organ in


the body?';





';The heart, Master';





';What happens to the victim after the heart is damaged?';





“He dies.'; I whispered.





';Good. Now I want you to ki-';





';You are sick!'; said the old man. ';Is this why you raised her? To create an assassin out of her? What kind of man would teach a six year old to kill?';





';Children are so easy.'; said Master. ';They make better servants when raised at such a young age. My Lily makes a perfect example of that.”





Master kneeled to my side.





';Lily,'; He whispered. ';Do you love Master?';





';I do,'; I whispered back.





';Do you want to make Master happy?';





';I do.';





';Then kill that old man in front of you. Make Master proud.';





Master handed me the dagger and I walked forward. The old man, tied up to a chair, smiled at me.





';So young and innocent,'; he said. ';Your mind is clouded with evil. I can tell that you’re lost.';





I continued walking forward. My mind was too focused on pleasing Master. Pointing the dagger at the old man's neck, he still smiled but his eyes began to leak.





';You are confused, child,'; he said. ';Do you really want to


kill an innocent old man who was nothing but kind to you?';





';Shut up old man,'; said Master, laughing. ';Don't you see that she is not listening to you? Lily, what are you waiting for? Kill him!';





';Why do you want to kill me, child?'; asked the old man.





';Master wants you to die,'; I slowly inserted the small


knife into his neck. ';If I kill you, Master will be happy.'; The dagger


was now pointed to the man's chest. Instead of pleading for mercy, the man just sat there.





';Master will be happy, yes,'; he said. ';Are you


happy to serve a man who was never kind to you? One who was always


cruel to you? Are you happy? Confused and Twisted child,--“





“I am happy.”





He stopped when the dagger was shoved into his chest, which oozed in blood. He started coughing up blood and he was breathing very slowly. He opened his mouth and smiled again.





“God…bless…you…” he whispered. The old man’s head dropped and dangled from his neck. He did not move at all.





“I…killed…him,” I said, then looked up at Master, who did not smile. He patted me on the shoulder and pulled me towards him.





“Amazing!” He said. “Good job. How did that feel? Doesn’t it feel pleasant, Lily?”





“It does Master,” I said, now starting to feel unsure.





My heart started to hurt. I felt like I’ve done something wrong, but what? I did what Master told me, so why am I getting this horrible feeling in my heart? I smiled and hugged him. I only had this pleasant feeling because I made Master happy, and that’s all that mattered now.





The room started to fade away and Master suddenly disappeared. Now I found myself sitting on a chair in yet another empty room. I sat down on a metal chair, staring at space. The room was empty and there was white all around me. Two chairs stood in front of me. Master kneeled down behind me, whispering in my ear, which was the only thing in this room that I actually paid attention to.





';Lily,'; He said. ';Can you hear Master?';





';I can,'; I answered back.





';Good,'; He said. ';Listen to me carefully.';





';Yes, Master.';





';You are no longer the sweet, caring, young girl that we know and love. You are a tool, my weapon for destruction.';





';I am your weapon.';





';Good,'; said Master, ';I will no longer care for and nurture you. You are under my custody and command';





';I am under your command.';





Master chuckled and patted me on the shoulder.





';You never cease to amaze me, child,'; he said





';I love Master,'; I whispered and smiled at him.





';I know,'; said Master. “You are loyal to him. You will always be at his side, giving him endless affection. You live to serve me and do as Master sees fit.';





“I will stay by Master’s side and do has he sees fit”





“Good girl,” he said.





';Someone is coming,'; he said.'; They are 'social workers'. Do you know what they are, Lily?';





';No, Master. I do not.';





';They are evil and cruel people who want to take you away. They claim they are good folk who love children, but I have seen their tricks.';





I looked up at him to see that he wasn't smiling anymore.





';Do you want them to take you away?';





';No.'; I began to shiver.





';You don't want them to take you away, do you? What are you going to do, Lily?';





Kill them,'; That was the first thing that came to mind when he asked me that.





';That's right,'; he said, his smile came back. ';This time you use your powers, instead of that dagger. Those people are evil and cruel.';





I listened with interest.





';You have to kill them, Lily. Who knows what may happen if you let them out alive? They could send even more bad men here. They will come and take Master away and kill him, but you want to protect him right?”





I crossed my arms and shivered.





“I don’t want Master to go,” I said, then started crying. “I won’t let them kill you.”





“Do everything you can to protect me,” said Master, who was stroking my head. “If you fail, I will die.”





The doorbell rang. I knew what I was ordered to do, but I still felt helpless.





';Stay here,'; said Master. ';Be ready and kill them on my command.';





';Yes…';





Master left the room. The feeling in my chest became uncomfortable, my stomach felt as if bugs were crawling in it. I hoped that I wouldn't feel pain in my chest again. I still haven't figured out why I had it. I put those feelings aside and focused on what I was told to do. A pale black haired woman walked into the room, followed by a white haired man, who was round and plump and wore a suit with a pocket on the left side that contain three pens.





“Here she is,” said Master,who pointed to the black haired and flat faced young woman. “Lily, this is Ms. Lee.”





She smiled and took a bow. “Nice to meet you Lily.”





Master then, pointed to the fat man. “Mr. Palstone.”





Mr. Palstone starting walking towards me, but they way he walked was very unusual. Flab dangled from his hips, and he was walking like a duck. I had never seen anyone this round; in fact I never knew people can be like that that. He reached out his hand and cleared his throat.





“Pleased to meet you Lily,” he said.





I just looked at his hand for a few seconds and then turned away.





“Was it something I said?” he asked.





“No, it’s nothing that you said, please don’t take it personally,” said Master. “She doesn’t like shaking hands, and she tends to get…well…apprehensive around strangers.”





I looked at some unusual features on Mr. Palstone’s face. He had a well-shaved mustache, and the grayish hair around him gave him the appearance of a lion. A pair of yellow teeth in the middle of his was big compared to the rest of his teeth. It’s so huge, that you can see it even when his mouth is closed. In other words, Mr. Palstone looked like a beaver.





* 5 minutes ago


* - 1 week left to answer.





Additional Details





13 seconds ago


AUTHOR'S NOTES.





I KNOW IT'S VERY LONG. BUT YOU WON'T REGRET IT.





THIS STORY IS LIKE A FLASHBACK OR A DREAM 11 YEAR OLD LILY HAD. SHE HAS AMNESIA AND SHE DREAMS ABOUT HER PAST, BUT SHE DOESN'T KNOW IT'S HER MEMORY.





PLEASE DON'T JUST TELL ME YOU LIKE IT. TELL ME WHY YOU LIKED MY STORY. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTER AND WHY? WHICH PART DID YOU LIKE. I'LL TAKE ANY ADVICE YOU HAVE. I'M OPEN FOR SUGGESTIONS.





IF YOU LIKE IT PLEASE STAR IT SO YOUR FRIENDS CAN READ AND LIKE IT TOO!





IF YOU WANT TO READ THE WHOLE STORY WHICH IS A WORK IN PROGRESS, PLEASE EITHER POST YOUR EMAIL ADRESS HERE OR SEND AN EMAIL AT CHIMCHAR214@GMAIL.COM OR YOU CAN JUST EMAIL ME DIRECTLY FROM YA.





THANK YOU FOR TAKING YOUR TIME TO READ THIS. I HOPE YOU LIKE IT.





PLEASE RATE IT ON THE SCALE OF 1-10. 10 BEING THE BEST. GIVE IT A RATING AND WHY YOU GAVE IT THIS RATING.I wrote this story about a 11yr girl who is mentally ill. Please tell me what you think. You will love it!!!!!
i apologize for not reading the entire thing, thought by readin the first 1k words or so, its easy to tell.


i'd give it an 8. it has potential, it just needs some touching up.


interesting storyline (from what i've read.) the dialogue works for me. i like the depth to it. the storyline is great.


i am an enthusiastic writer also, so i understand how difficult writing can be. u've got potential, great mind=great ideas, thats what you have. now, you have to tidy up ur skills, to carry out ur ideas to the greatest potential. pick up a grammar book (helps to brush up on grammar and learn a few new types of sentences), and read read read. read many types of books by a variety of authors to further explore your personal style of writing. the two main styles of writing i have seen are internally focused (the character's thoughts) or extrenally focused (mainly by dialogue).


also, dont be afriad to write in third person (he, she) instead of just first person (I). use the different point of views to your advantage and experiemtn for whatever point of view fits the storyline the best. in this case, either point of view probably would have worked fine with the storyline.


also, edit, edit edit. elimits 10% of what you write. you'd be surprised how many redundancies occur in a writing before an edit. editing makes your writing so much stronger. edit many times, until you are satisfied.


one last thing, the reason you got an 8 is because i felt the descriptions were lacking. i dont care about the amount of it, but the quality mainly. (writing is about quality, not so much quantity) some of your wordings sounded off, it didnt quite flow right. some words sonuded too sophisticated or like they didn't fit in. if you want this kind of style, its fine, but if you are using a dictionary/thesarus throw it in the trash, with writing u rarely use it surprisingly. some of the sentences sounded choppy. vary the sentence lengths. in editing, you can switch around the sentence structures to create long and shorter sentences to achieve that flow u want.


but great work, i look forward to reading ur further writings. im not impressed often, its rare im impressed, but this time i was. i know talent when i see it, and with hard work, u will become a talented writer.I wrote this story about a 11yr girl who is mentally ill. Please tell me what you think. You will love it!!!!!
really long!!!!!!!!!!!! but, good!
whoa!! It sounds like this girl has schizophrenia. Does she? It's really good. I'll give it a 9.


I want this story. :P
I dont know... its a little disturbing...its not boring or bad... but its....just odd!!!
very different I'd give it an 8
That is really good story i give it a 7 only it was a little tooooo long but other than tht u did really good!
Looks like I'll be the first to do it. 3





It doesn't strike me as something I'd sit down and read. It's not because the subject matter either, it's that you were a bit.... Unnerving with your dialogue. Not in a cool way, like Palahniuk. Like, in a.... Don't let you near the school bake sale because you might disappear with one of the kids kind of way.





I gave the 3 instead of a 1 because you didn't spell everything wrong or WrItE LiKe ThIs.





Those are just my 2 cents though, and I usually don't represent the general population.